Advocate

"You are your child's advocate."

"Be an advocate for your child." 


I hear this constantly screaming in my head throughout most days. I've heard this from every autistic parent I have met this past month and it's absolutely terrifying. After having Cheyanne it was hard enough knowing the fate of this innocent, beautiful baby was left solely in my hands. Now, it's different. Becoming a mother was natural, being a parent to a special needs child is not. It's not something that is a part of you, that emerges the moment that little bundle is placed into your arms the very first time. In my case, the moment the nurse laid her down on my stomach and with her eyes still shut tight, her little hand blindly reached out and grabbed my hand. 

Of course hearing the news that she is autistic has changed me, but it's not something I could ever prepare myself for. I look back this past month and I feel like I've wasted so much time, the worst part of this all is I have no idea what being an advocate is. Of course, I know what the definition is but I don't know how to be an advocate for her. I spent many hours on the internet researching autism, I've been to the book stores and purchased as many books as I can afford that has anything to do with autism, enrolled her in Girl Scouts to help her social skills, I've applied for Social Security to help with therapies, and I finally have an ARD meeting that's scheduled for tomorrow that I may or not be able to attend because not only is Cheyanne sick but I may not be able to get time away from work. I don't feel like it's enough, there are days like today that I feel like I'm failing, but I don't know what else I can do. I need to do more. 

I know I am there for her in every way physically possible, but it's pathetic how emotionally unavailable I am to her some days. It's a constant battle and there are so many days I hate myself for it. She is already one parent short, I can't keep doing this to her. This is not the parent I wanted to become or the parent I dreamed of being while carrying her for those nine months. She deserves so much better. 


I'm feeling cynical today. Maybe it's due to Cheyanne being sick and I'm feeling completely helpless. I hate seeing her so sick.