That previous daily 24 day challenge post lasted long.. oh well.
I laid in bed all day today over thinking, over analyzing, and knowing exactly what I wanted to say when I sat down to write in this blog. Now, Cheyanne is back home and I hear the sound of Strawberry Shortcake flooding into the back room, interrupting my thoughts. Hopefully I can remember some of what I was going to write today.
Throughout the years it has become almost impossible for me to express myself verbally, which not only hinders every relationship I have but deters any potential relationship or friendships that may cross my path. I'm a grown woman, so it's not like I need a ton of "besties" to chat with all hours of the night. I live in a town where I know people and have become acquaintances with a few; we talk about our children and work... but nothing too personal. Don't get me wrong, I have close friends but obviously they live far enough away where I don't see them often and they have their own lives. They have husbands, fiancés, boyfriends, and families of their own.
I know, those of you who know me, know this... but I feel like I have to say it anyway, I love Cheyanne with everything I have. However; having breakfast, lunch, and dinner with just a 7 year old day after day can make you feel isolated. Going to bed every night with the sound of the TV in the background without the chance of having a real conversation with someone and to not have anyone to tell about your day has been something I have become very custom to. Some days, like today, it's a little more than I can bear.
This post has gone in a completely different direction than I anticipated. It was originally going to be about everything leading up to my little tantrum that kept me curled up in bed all day. So, I guess I'll begin with that and you can piece together where all the rest ties in.
I'm on vacation this week which has given me the opportunity to spend more time with Cheyanne. Like, every waking moment time. The girl is sassy, demanding, and has an attitude like a thirteen year old. The constant whining and nagging that she can keep going for hours on end is pretty impressive but is completely intolerable. Don't even get me started on the complete disregard she has to EVERYTHING I have to say. Today, while in the shower, I had to scream, holler, and throw a tantrum like a three year old.
This morning I had a photo shoot and I had no choice but to let Cheyanne tag along. I typically don't like having her come because I know I take away too much time from my clients by constantly reprimanding her and asking her to move out of the shot I'm trying to get. Plus, it's unprofessional. Anyway, we were at one of my normal locations and off to the side there was a little woodsy area that Cheyanne wanted to go play in. I kept telling her she needed to stay close, right next to me preferably, and even offered her my cell phone to play with. Of course she darted off even after hearing my several protests. I knew I couldn't go bat shit crazy like I typically do, so I let her run off while I fiddled with my camera to get the settings correct. Obviously, I was neglecting to keep an eye on her while I was looking down at my camera because the moment I heard that paralyzing scream from her I immediately feared that someone had grabbed her and started running. My client or anyone else that may have heard it probably wouldn't have described it as a "paralyzing" scream... but the scream I heard and that second that I froze in place was definitely paralyzing for me. Seconds later she came running back and told me that she saw some 'sticks'. I didn't even ask, I just continued shooting, and demanded she stay right where she was. The entire shoot was miserable because of how many times I had to repeat myself. It wasn't just this morning, it's been this way for months. Months of constant battles over the smallest things.
So, after the session and a long hot shower, I canceled all my plans and crawled into bed. I stayed in bed and finally, around 3:30, I mustered up the strength to pull myself out of bed to make a sandwich for Cheyanne and I. Today I felt defeated. It reminded me of a comment I read that someone made a few months back, which was the initial reasoning for writing this post. Hopefully it help get rid of this damn bitterness and help me let it go. To sum it up, someone who I will leave nameless, wrote a post saying that some married women with children have it harder than single women. Please, let that sink in.
My first reaction was to be pissed for the husband and how she blatantly announced that she thinks he basically sits on his ass and does nothing. Now, after getting over his ignorance, I'm just confused at how she justifies her statement. For those FEW married women that think their job is harder than for those who are single, let me clarify a few things for you and maybe explain a little about what it is that we do.
For starters, we are the ones that are the bread winners. That's right... we work and pay the bills! We also cook, clean, bathe the children, wake up to bring the kids to school, put the kids to bed, help the kids with their homework, run errands, go to sporting events, and everything else that parent(S) are responsible for. Some of us even go to school while doing it!
Okay, so maybe that's not THAT hard... but here is the hardest part; we're alone. Try for just a second to understand what it would be like to be alone raising a child and how that would effect you emotionally. Can you imagine not having your significant other there to talk to about their future, to not have your significant other there with you when your child is sick, or even there when you're crying yourself to sleep because you have no idea what could be medically wrong with your child? What about not having your significant other there to hold your hand while your child is in the hospital getting an MRI, EEG, or sonogram? How about the first time your child has a seizure or chokes on their food and turns completely blue when there's no one around? What if your significant other wasn't there to celebrate in the milestones you child makes or their accomplishments? Take them to their first day of school, meet their teacher? What about the moment your child was diagnosed with autism, mental retardation, or anything devastating and life changing? What would you say if they told you they wanted a mommy/daddy and they wanted her/him tomorrow? The list could go on.
It looks like that got personal, fast. Being a parent is hard period. Whether you're a stay at home parent, married parents, single parent, foster parents, adoptive parents, gay parents, bi-racial parents, special needs parents, and/or a parent of multiple children. Every one of us struggle and we tend to think our problems are more significant than all the rest. Before making outlandish comments, please try to remember that we all struggle with things that we don't always show. It's offensive to see something so foolish written by someone that should be so close to you.
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