The answer you always knew but never wanted to hear.

Yet again, here I am with another blog attempting to find an outlet. My daughter, Cheyanne, was officially diagnosed with Aspergers a little over a week ago. The day of the appointment I made sure to stay busy, I threw myself into work and even went outside the store to promote small business accounts. The last thing from my mind was I'd finally get an answer to all my questions later that day, as much as I had been wanting it, I was that much afraid of it. 

I was running late at work and ran out of the store with only five minutes to get to the psychologists office. The moment I ran into the office they immediately called me, my aunt, and my mom back into one of the offices. I had kept myself so busy that entire day I didn't have time to mentally prepare myself. I drew in a deep breath, sat on the couch in that small stuffy room, and promised myself I would not break in front of my family. 

The psychologist, whose name for the life of me I can't remember, sat down with a stack of papers and started going over the reason we were there. I wanted to rip the papers out of her hand and read her diagnosis myself, we already knew why we were there was this really necessary? Then came the knock on the door, my head was spinning and I felt like I was in a soap opera, they were doing everything possible to delay the diagnosis. She left the room and the papers laid face down on the desk. I stared at them, debating whether or not I should snatch them up and tapping my fingers nervously against the arm of the couch. Before I had time to act on my impulse she opened the door and sat back down. Everything before and after the diagnosis seem a bit hazy, I remember my aunt asking several questions, and the psychologists reassuring me that this isn't a bad thing. The main thing that I remember is when the psychologist looked at me and said, "We have reason to believe that Cheyanne has Aspergers Syndrome". 

I kept my promise and I didn't break, there was several times I wanted to bolt out of the room, but I stayed... frozen in my seat. The last thing I wanted was someone running after me trying to comfort me, I felt awkward crying in front of my family when my grandmother died. This, compared to that was a piece of cake. 

I picked up Cheyanne from daycare, wrapped her in my arms, and told her how much I love her. It wasn't much but I took her to the park because of the incredible guilt I felt for all the spankings and all the yelling I had been doing lately. 

There was a little girl trying to play with Cheyanne and she flat out told her she didn't want to play with her. Normally, it's the other way around. Either way it broke my heart. I knew she was always awkward with other children, but now there is a name to it, and it's not something she can exactly 'grow out of'. It will take months or years of therapy to maybe some day act 'normal' socially. 

Three years ago I didn't know what autism was, now autism has completely taken over my life. I put three years ago because I first suspected she had autism when she was two and a half, but that's another story for a later date. I'm constantly on the computer doing research and trying to find every way to help her lead a 'normal' life. This definitely isn't the end, it's the beginning to something beautiful and amazing, I have never wanted to be a better mom than I have in this last week and that's exactly what I plan to do.