Every parent struggles, never in the same way.

That previous daily 24 day challenge post lasted long.. oh well.

I laid in bed all day today over thinking, over analyzing, and knowing exactly what I wanted to say when I sat down to write in this blog. Now, Cheyanne is back home and I hear the sound of Strawberry Shortcake flooding into the back room, interrupting my thoughts. Hopefully I can remember some of what I was going to write today.

Throughout the years it has become almost impossible for me to express myself verbally, which not only hinders every relationship I have but deters any potential relationship or friendships that may cross my path. I'm a grown woman, so it's not like I need a ton of "besties" to chat with all hours of the night. I live in a town where I know people and have become acquaintances with a few; we talk about our children and work... but nothing too personal. Don't get me wrong, I have close friends but obviously they live far enough away where I don't see them often and they have their own lives. They have husbands, fiancés, boyfriends, and families of their own.

I know, those of you who know me, know this... but I feel like I have to say it anyway, I love Cheyanne with everything I have. However; having breakfast, lunch, and dinner with just a 7 year old day after day can make you feel isolated. Going to bed every night with the sound of the TV in the background without the chance of having a real conversation with someone and to not have anyone to tell about your day has been something I have become very custom to. Some days, like today, it's a little more than I can bear.

This post has gone in a completely different direction than I anticipated. It was originally going to be about everything leading up to my little tantrum that kept me curled up in bed all day. So, I guess I'll begin with that and you can piece together where all the rest ties in.

I'm on vacation this week which has given me the opportunity to spend more time with Cheyanne. Like, every waking moment time. The girl is sassy, demanding, and has an attitude like a thirteen year old. The constant whining and nagging that she can keep going for hours on end is pretty impressive but is completely intolerable. Don't even get me started on the complete disregard she has to EVERYTHING I have to say. Today, while in the shower, I had to scream, holler, and throw a tantrum like a three year old.

This morning I had a photo shoot and I had no choice but to let Cheyanne tag along. I typically don't like having her come because I know I take away too much time from my clients by constantly reprimanding her and asking her to move out of the shot I'm trying to get. Plus, it's unprofessional. Anyway, we were at one of my normal locations and off to the side there was a little woodsy area that Cheyanne wanted to go play in. I kept telling her she needed to stay close, right next to me preferably,  and even offered her my cell phone to play with. Of course she darted off even after hearing my several protests. I knew I couldn't go bat shit crazy like I typically do, so I let her run off while I fiddled with my camera to get the settings correct. Obviously, I was neglecting to keep an eye on her while I was looking down at my camera because the moment I heard that paralyzing scream from her I immediately feared that someone had grabbed her and started running. My client or anyone else that may have heard it probably wouldn't have described it as a "paralyzing" scream... but the scream I heard and that second that I froze in place was definitely paralyzing for me. Seconds later she came running back and told me that she saw some 'sticks'. I didn't even ask, I just continued shooting, and demanded she stay right where she was. The entire shoot was miserable because of how many times I had to repeat myself. It wasn't just this morning, it's been this way for months. Months of constant battles over the smallest things.

So, after the session and a long hot shower, I canceled all my plans and crawled into bed. I stayed in bed and finally, around 3:30, I mustered up the strength to pull myself out of bed to make a sandwich for Cheyanne and I. Today I felt defeated. It reminded me of a comment I read that someone made a few months back, which was the initial reasoning for writing this post. Hopefully it help get rid of this damn bitterness and help me let it go. To sum it up, someone who I will leave nameless, wrote a post saying that some married women with children have it harder than single women. Please, let that sink in.

My first reaction was to be pissed for the husband and how she blatantly announced that she thinks he basically sits on his ass and does nothing. Now, after getting over his ignorance, I'm just confused at how she justifies her statement. For those FEW married women that think their job is harder than for those who are single, let me clarify a few things for you and maybe explain a little about what it is that we do.

For starters, we are the ones that are the bread winners. That's right... we work and pay the bills! We also cook, clean, bathe the children, wake up to bring the kids to school, put the kids to bed, help the kids with their homework, run errands, go to sporting events, and everything else that parent(S) are responsible for. Some of us even go to school while doing it!

Okay, so maybe that's not THAT hard... but here is the hardest part; we're alone. Try for just a second to understand what it would be like to be alone raising a child and how that would effect you emotionally. Can you imagine not having your significant other there to talk to about their future, to not have your significant other there with you when your child is sick, or even there when you're crying yourself to sleep because you have no idea what could be medically wrong with your child? What about not having your significant other there to hold your hand while your child is in the hospital getting an MRI, EEG, or sonogram? How about the first time your child has a seizure or chokes on their food and turns completely blue when there's no one around? What if your significant other wasn't there to celebrate in the milestones you child makes or their accomplishments? Take them to their first day of school, meet their teacher? What about the moment your child was diagnosed with autism, mental retardation, or anything devastating and life changing? What would you say if they told you they wanted a mommy/daddy and they wanted her/him tomorrow? The list could go on.

It looks like that got personal, fast. Being a parent is hard period. Whether you're a stay at home parent, married parents, single parent, foster parents, adoptive parents, gay parents, bi-racial parents, special needs parents, and/or a parent of multiple children. Every one of us struggle and we tend to think our problems are more significant than all the rest. Before making outlandish comments, please try to remember that we all struggle with things that we don't always show. It's offensive to see something so foolish written by someone that should be so close to you.

Advocare Day 2

So I said I'd TRY to write everyday about my 24 day challenge, right? I had every intention of blogging last night but I was up till one trying to get my speech for class uploaded. Now, almost 24 hours later I finally figured out why I was having so many problems and my assignment is extremely late. Guhh, oh well. I still haven't finished my application for the OTA program that is due on the first of next month! My to-do list tomorrow (if I had written it down) is most likely two pages long. So far, however, the spark has really helped me survive the last two days and I actually haven't felt the need for a nap.

On the down side, the fiber drink is awful. Capital A-wful. It's nearly impossible to do everything according to the schedule. You're supposed to drink a Spark thirty minutes before breakfast. I don't even spend thirty minutes getting ready in the morning, I literally crawl out of bed and is in the car eating breakfast on the way to work. Or napping on the couch in between rushing Cheyanne to get ready for school. I envy the parents that wake up at the crack of dawn and make their kids a great breakfast and can sit at the kitchen table without screaming. Don't even get me started on the shows that have the parents completely showered, make-up on, dressed in a suit, drinking a cup of coffee; making eggs, bacon, and sausage all before seven a.m.. Does that actually happen?! If so, please make me a morning person. Then there's the snack three times a day, and the OmegaPlex pills, and the pills to take before bed time.... and then trying to remember to put in these damn rubber bands. 

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, but it's hitting midnight and the only reason I'm still awake is because I've forced myself to update this blog... that no one reads. 

So, to recap...

I have entirely too much to do.
I haven't finished half of it.
The fiber drink is dreadful.
I weighed in yesterday at 166 and I'm determined to reach 135.

I need sleep. 

Advocare

I only have a few more days left till I begin the 24 day challenge with Advocare. I'm terrible at planning meals and if I've had a long day at work I usually swing by fast food or throw something frozen in the microwave or oven. I know, I get mom of the year award. Eating healthy has always been difficult for me, I'm sure a lot of parents would be appalled by mine and Cheyannes' diet. 

I hate every vegetable known to man which is one of the main reasons eating healthy is such a challenge for me. The only vegetables I can deal with is green beans, corn, and raw carrots. If you can even see this calendar I created you'll notice that there are a TON of repetitive meals. I've added broccoli in there a few times, I'll just have to suck it up and take it. It's a start, but hopefully I'll talk myself into branching out and trying new things. I'll have much more time to play with different recipes once I start this new position (10 more days!). I can't live on greasy food for the rest of my life, no matter how delicious it is. 

Here's to a new beginning. 

Priorities

It's amazing how stuff has been falling together lately. Cheyanne was going through a hard time at school a few weeks ago and I made the toughest decision and decided to quit my job. I knew it sounded completely irrational and possibly even a little irresponsible to some but the only thing that I can think of on a daily basis is how much Cheyanne needs me so much more than I can give her. I decided I'd talk to my family about it; tell them my concerns, my fears, my hopes that will come out of the situation and they'd knock some sense into me and tell me how there's no way I could afford my rent, bills, and everything else. Surprisingly, they will all very supportive (give or take one)... but that's when I realized I could actually do this. So, that's when I decided I'd talk to my boss. I told her that I'd be quitting at the end of March (this was the very end of February when I spoke with her), she then reminded me that T-mobile had gave each employee an investment in stock and if I waited till June I could cash out on it. It wasn't a small amount of money, so I figured a few more months wouldn't be terrible and I could save up a little more money. 

Then, just a few days later my boss told me that they are opening up a new position at every T-mobile store and if I was willing to stay I could have it. It's 20 hours a week, no evenings, and no weekends. I'd be in charge of inventory, paperwork, basically all the stuff that is handled in the back, and absolutely no sales. This position literally fell in my lap and is exactly what I've been looking for! I've never been one to stay at home too long, I quit my job a few years back and two months later I was begging for anyone to hire me. So I keep my job, my sanity, have a little bit of income coming in, and I keep all my benefits. I've never really liked the idea of government assistance, but it's time that my pride gets put aside and I do what is important for my daughter. So, beginning April 1st I'll be applying for social security, food stamps, and whatever else to keep me and Cheyanne afloat. I already have plans to get my photography up and running again, I can't believe I'm actually doing this! This is the first job I've ever had that will exclude all evenings and weekends. Cheyanne and I can do whatever we want! :) 

I'm in the process of coming up with an eight week summer school course to help Cheyannie prepare for 2nd grade, along with that I'm hoping to come up with a summer bucket list. It can't be all work with out a little bit of play! As much as I hate to take away a part of her summer and make her do school work, I know she needs a little extra push and it will be the best thing for her. I may consider inviting one of her friends over a few days out of the week and they can join in on the learning, they may actually have some fun doing it! I've bought folders, cards, maps, games, and have came up with a thousand different activities thanks to pinterest. Now the real fun is actually putting it all together, I need some teachers that are good with organization!

I rarely post on here anymore so if my non-existent readers don't know, I'm applying to the OTA (Occupational Therapy Assistant) Program. If I'm accepted I should know by May-June ish. Since my Anatomy grade wasn't great, and I got my Hep B shot in a little later than expected I'm not counting on getting accepted. I'm not too sure, but I think during the meeting they said it was mandatory to have two out of the three shots in the series to be done by the time of the application. I've only had one and I have to wait two months to get my second shot. Getting finished with school is a HUGE priority of mine, but unfortunately my priorities are never in order and I tend to jump around all over the place. For now, my focus is Cheyanne. I'm not completely hopeless though, I'm hoping there is one last miracle in store for me. If not, I'm satisfied with my work miracle ;). 


Lastly, I know I've said this before. I'm sure 100 times. No, make that 1,000. The ONLY way for me to help Cheyanne, to finish school, to stay happy, to give us both the life we deserve is to 'fix' myself. I'm constantly tired, make that exhausted and I'm rarely happy anymore. I've seen myself in the mirror when I'm angry with Cheyanne, I've regretted instantly losing my temper with her, and I know it all boils down to how unhealthy I am. I've thought about it for months and before I had the chance to change my mind I told one of my friends to order me the 24 day challenge for advocare. I don't plan on wearing jeans or yoga pants this summer! My brother and sister in law bought equipment for their garage and they have a mini gym, looks like I'll be hanging with my nephew quite a bit these next few weeks! Once it starts I'm hoping to post once a day about the challenge, I'll keep you posted!

Reading Bingo

I have a love/hate relationship with pinterest lately. I saw this pin at the beginning of the summer last year and I could never figure out how to get the free download, so a few months later I tweaked it and created a winter theme. Cheyanne has been struggling with reading and math in school this last semester and I'm determined to get her grades back up to a B. Each story she reads she has to fill out a banner and put it back on the wall, hopefully this will keep her determined to fill them all up. 

Once she gets a bingo she gets a prize. I promise I didn't have her write "I will feed the fish". She did that all on her own even after I told her that wasn't much of a reward. Looks like I get off easy on that one ;).

I love listening to my girl read, I can't wait to see the progress she makes!

My Friend Has Autism

Everything about today was off-putting; I was informed I owe two different bills to Cheyanne's therapist totaling a little over $700, the store right next to my work was robbed at gun point while I was at work, and once again I've been let down by Cheyanne's school. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the robbery and the bill I owe should be covered by insurance once I get all the paperwork in.



It's only the second week of first grade and Cheyanne has already been picked on by a few kids. If you know me at all, you know I'm not one of those mothers who believes there child is an angel and has never done anything wrong to anyone else... so I'm not pointing the blame completely on the other kids. However, kids can be ugly to others with disabilities whether it's severe or not. So, like any mother would I want to do whatever I can to shield her from pain. I found a few children's books online that discuss the topic of autism, obviously it doesn't go into great detail about autism but it brings awareness to children that everyones different and that's okay. I e-mailed her teacher and asked if she would allow me 15-20 minutes of her class to read one or two of the books. I have realistic expectations... I don't expect every child to understand nor to even listen, but if just one child were to listen, to understand, to show compassion to another child that was 'differen't' from them... then it would be worth it. What if that one child were to become best friends with Cheyanne? 

Her teacher seemed to be onboard and asked me to send the books to school with her and we'd set up a conference to discuss all the details. It was such a relief to get that response. Then, today I received an e-mail saying she had shown the books to the principal and she said they weren't age appropriate. I'm not even sure how many times I have opened my inbox to re-read that e-mail to hopefully have misread it. I've tried looking at it from a different perspective but I can't possibly understand how this can be viewed as something inappropriate. I'm not expecting to go into her class room and have a lecture about autism, I'm reading a children's book... and bringing puzzle shaped cookies. Who doesn't like cookies?! I've been on amazon and the age level for one of the books is Kindergarten and above, all the reviews raved about how it's a great learning tool in a classroom. It only leaves me to believe it's personal, the beginning of Kindergarten last year started out rough. I've given the school a second chance... but I think they may be on their second strike soon. 



Today has been a complete let down, hopefully once I get to speak to the principal face to face and express my concerns I can change her mind.

Light bulb

Too often I catch myself fantasizing over materialistic things. Whether it be decor for my house, new photography equipment, clothes, furniture, electronics, stuff for Cheyanne, a new house.. the list could go on for ever. It's been proven several times that the fulfillment I feel only lasts momentarily. Unfortunately, that cycle may never end.

However, tonight I was reminded that if I had everything I ever wanted it wouldn't come close to how I feel when I have special moments with Cheyanne. Months ago when I would sit down with her and try to work with her on either reading or writing the majority of the time within minutes her head would be on the table and she'd be screaming "I can't do it, I can't do it, it's too hard!". 

I remember walking into her daycare and passing through the cafeteria when a little boy asked me to help him with his math. The boy was about Cheyanne's age and the moment I pointed out his mistake it was as if a light when off in his head. I wanted more than anything to see that in Cheyanne, to see the excitement in her eyes when she figured out a problem she didn't understand. I felt guilty for every feeling I had while helping him. 

Tonight while cooking dinner I finally pulled out the math book that her teacher sent home for her to do during summer break. It was as if I was working with a completely different child! She did five pages front and back, several addition problems on her own. Her excitement from solving a problem was overwhelming. I am so proud of how far this girl has come.